Managing Family and Business Conflicts

A Conflict Scenario

Paul and Sarah Cochran farm 1,500 acres and finish hogs on their farm. They've worked hard to free themselves of debt and feel confident about the stability of their business. But now they face a major problem. Their youngest child, Susan recently graduated from college and married wants to form a partnership with them. Paul wants to borrow money, expand the acreage, and add a large farrow-to-finish hog facility. He would bring Susan and her husband in as junior partners. He even spoke with an attorney about the idea.

However, Sarah objects. She is pleased that Susan is ready to go out on her own, but she thinks Susan and her husband should start independently as she and Paul did farming and working odd jobs to get started. Now that the farm is debt free, she sees no need to go heavily into debt again. She knows hogs are an around-the-clock responsibility. She loves their children as much as Paul does, but she is not interested in building the Cochran farm into a Little Southfork.

Becoming a Conflict Negotiator

To be a good negotiator you must begin with a perspective on management styles which influence the way you approach others in a conflict. Conflict negotiators often use the following principles for negotiation:

Focus on unacceptable behavior, not on "bad" attitudes. You cannot negotiate attitude change, but you can negotiate behavior change.

Try to fully understand your adversaries' attitudes and values, because attitudes support behavior.

Demonstrate respect for the attitudes, values, and feelings of everyone in the conflict even if you do not agree with them.

Negotiate behavior change first; do not demand changes in attitudes or values.

Listen and ask questions. Be open to new ideas, remain flexible, and keep talking, keep talking, keep talking.

If the dispute escalates, call in a mediator or counselor to act as referee.

These basic principles of conflict management assume that adversaries it a dispute are more likely to support solutions which they help develop.

Direct and Indirect Persuasion

Direct and indirect persuasion can be used when conflicts require negotiation. The differences between direct and indirect persuasion follow:

Typically, indirect persuasion is more effective in settling disputes, as indirect persuasion shifts the focus from the issues of the conflict to focus on the communication process the way adversaries discuss and manage the dispute. Every member of the farm family team has duties and responsibilities. Every family member must help develop a solution if a dispute arises.

There are six steps or techniques for managing a family/business dispute: (1) initiate dialogue, (2) involve everyone in the dialogue, (3) assimilate information about the conflict, (4) reinforce agreements, (5) negotiate disagreements, and (6) solidify agreements.

Initiate Dialogue. Initiate conversation objectively. Call the family together and establish the fact that you will be open, honest, and attentive to every-one's needs in what is likely to be a sensitive situation. Begin by developing ground rules for the communication session, and seek the group's consensus. A good set of communication ground rules should include six basic rules:

1. Everyone has the right to talk, to express his or her feelings, to be heard and not to be interrupted.

2. Repeat what you heard a person say before you express your opinion about the issue. Ask people what they heard you say to be sure they were listening.

3. Agree to discuss one problem at a time. Too many issues confuse and stall negotiations.

4. Discuss present problems only. You have no control over the past, and previous problems often stall negotiations.

5. Use common courtesy no name calling, yelling, or cursing allowed.

6. Everyone agrees to follow the ground rules. Point out that it is important to understand every person's position.

It may be helpful for you to point out that you are trying to be a conversation referee. Most people are familiar with the role of a referee in sporting events. The referee must be fair and objective, and insist that everyone plays by the rules. If you are in charge of the discussion, point out to the group that this is the role you want to follow, too.

Ask, "What's the problem?" and listen. Assure the person by your behavior that you care. Be gentle and demonstrate concern for the other person's position. This arouses everyone's interest because you will listen to their position, and they will be heard even though they may not agree with each other. If it is an intense dispute, ask that all parties talk through you and not to each other. This will help you control the communication process at the first stages. However, you are not to control the outcome.

Being courteous to everyone builds trust. Be flexible and open to suggestions and ideas from all family members as you initiate dialogue. Ask everyone to communicate concern for adversaries by listening and by using nonjudgmental behavior. Everyone should have respect for others and be responsible for his or her own feelings, perceptions, and actions. No one has to lose patience or temper even in conflict.

Involve All Parties. The second phase of indirect persuasion is to involve all parties in the communication process. Involvement continues through all phases of conflict management discussion. (The Cochran family needs several family meetings with everyone participating in open and fair discussion.) Involvement begins by asking questions and encouraging others to answer. Listen as people respond to your questions. Seek the opinions, feelings, suggestions, and input of all adversaries. Indirect persuasion assumes that people support what they help create. Encourage members of the family team to help work out lasting solutions, and use involvement to get ideas and support for agreement on what the issues of the conflict are.

Develop empathy by listening for (1) the message content what facts are stated? How do they relate to the conflict? (2) the feelings that underscore the message is the person angry, frustrated, or sad? and (3) the values that influence the person's perception of facts and behavior in the conflict.

Good conflict managers ask probing questions in a nonthreatening way. Questions help you discover the interests, concerns, knowledge, skills, and goals of others. By listening carefully, a skilled questioner can control or navigate the course of a conversation, even though others may be doing most of the talking. Asking questions allows you to explore alternatives with the other party in the conflict. You can gently force another person to consider an idea or option they have not considered by asking them questions about that idea. (For example, you might ask Sarah Cochran, "How did you feel about your husband's behavior when he spoke with an attorney before discussing the idea of a farm partnership with you?" and "What caused you to feel that way?" These are nonthreatening questions which yield information on a sensitive subject.)

Accept the credibility of others' feelings. Feelings about the conflict are real. Information may not be it can be imagined. Many times those involved in a conflict have a right to be mad, frustrated, or disappointed. Explore probe gently about what causes feelings. How and why did they develop? Encourage involvement.

Assimilate Information. The third phase of conflict management is to assimilate all this information. Develop a system for structuring and organizing all of the messages communicated. Everyone must consider all the feelings and the facts both are important to manage conflict. Family members may not understand their major agreements and disagreements. Clarify every position expressed and its cause. Strive to get everyone to simply understand what is happening what is causing the conflict. You are not negotiating; at least, not yet.

Assimilating is difficult because (1) adversaries tend not to listen to each other when they argue; they may agree, but they may not hear facts and feeling messages from each other; (2) adversaries lack the courage to confront some of the reasons for disagreements, and they do not want to look stupid or evil; and (3) adversaries must work together during assimilation, but they may not want to because they would rather fight.

Make a large worksheet similar to figure 1. During assimilating, use information discussed and get everyone to help you develop the information to be placed on the worksheet. When you finish writing an agreement or disagreement on the worksheet ask, "Is this correct? Did I get it right? Is this what you said? Are these your true feelings?" The family can practice working together while they help each other pick the facts of the conflict apart.

Reinforce Agreements. The fourth step of the indirect persuasion approach to conflict management is to reinforce agreements. Always reinforce agreements before you negotiate disagreements. Naturally, adversaries want to maximize differences, and that is where they will try to focus your attention, but effective negotiators emphasize agreements and use behavior to reinforce. This process builds trust and understanding and makes negotiating easier.